


no light, no light

by thehonorlord



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Post Blood Pact, spoilers for episode 48
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 21:12:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17515961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehonorlord/pseuds/thehonorlord
Summary: Caleb cashes in on that favour.Spoilers for 2x48.





	no light, no light

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a long time since I've written a fic so quickly but I needed to get this out before the next episode. I haven't had time to go through it as much as I usually do, so please let me know if there are any mistakes!
> 
> This takes place a little after where Episode 48 left off. Enjoy!

Fjord was emotionally and physically exhausted; between the revelations of Nott’s past and fending off the Archmages, the whole group was taxed. When they finally came to rest that evening, everyone turned to Caleb, expecting the usual tiny hut.

“Sorry, I’ve run dry after the fight,” he mumbled, shoving his hands in his pocket. Beside Fjord, Caduceus hummed but said nothing. Fjord was inclined to agree; Caleb was almost definitely lying but Fjord was way too tired to interrogate him. “I’ll take the last watch; I will need some sleep first,” Caleb said.

“So you can just run away?” Beau shoved past Fjord to get up in Caleb’s face. “No fucking way, if you think we’re just going to _let_ you—”

Caleb placed his hands on Beau’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, I won’t be alone,” he said, before looking up at Fjord. “Will you join me?”

“Me?” Fjord blinked, pointing at himself. He stole a glance at Nott, who was curled up into a tight ball with Jester talking to her in a low voice, her hand brushing through the goblin’s hair. “Yeah, sure.” Beau frowned but relented, shoulders sagging.

As they set up camp, Nott and Caleb ignored each other, sending an unnatural chill through the entire group. Yasha sidled up to Caleb, whispering something in his ear. Fjord watched as Caleb nodded and Yasha sighed, shaking her head. She squeezed Caleb’s arm in a way that looked like it was supposed to be comforting, if Caleb wasn’t the tiny stick of a man he was, and walked away. She sat herself on a tree stump, drew her sword and busied herself with cleaning and sharpening it as she took first watch.

It took awhile for Fjord to fall asleep, the adrenaline of the day still thrumming through his veins. All too soon, Caduceus, who had taken the second watch, woke Fjord and Caleb for the last watch. “Nothing to report,” Caduceus said, his soft voice soothing as ever.

“Thanks,” Fjord said and Caleb nodded in agreement. Caduceus smiled, patted both of their heads and lay down to rest.

“Walk with me a bit?” Caleb asked.

His voice was so small and so tired. Fjord had no choice. “Yeah, of course. Lead the way.”

Caleb looked over his shoulder at the group, his gaze lingering and sadder than usual. Then he nodded and began picking his way through the brush, still keeping the group in sight. Fjord got the feeling that Caleb wanted to say something but choose to let the wizard speak when he had gathered himself. When they were a fair ways away, Caleb sighed. “I suppose you’re wondering what all that was about, back in the basement, the Archmages.”

Fjord shrugged, pulling his cloak tighter around himself. A month so far south had not prepared him for the Empire’s winter chill. “I wasn’t going to pry.”

“I was always going to tell you but I never found the time,” Caleb said, stopping at a log and sitting down. Fjord copied him and watched Caleb from the corner of his eyes. Backlit by the quarter moon, covered in dirt and mud, dark circles under his eyes, Caleb looked so, _so_ sad, and it broke Fjord’s heart. He lifted a hand and rested it on Caleb’s back. Caleb stiffened then, seemingly against his better judgement, relaxed into the touch as he lowered his face into his hands.

Caleb told him everything, about the Soltryce Academy, about Trent Ikithon, about Astrid and Eodwulf and the Archmages. Fjord didn’t take his hand off Caleb’s back, not when he heard about the torture or Caleb’s parents or those lost years at the institution, instead rubbing circles in what Fjord hoped was a comforting way.

“I would never have let you go to the Academy or let Yasha see Trent,” Caleb said when he was done, staring intently at his hands folded in his lap. “I would have never subjected either of you, _any_ of you to that.”

Fjord was flabbergasted. “That— Fuck, Caleb. I’m more worried about _you_ ,” he said. “You wear all your sadness and fear like a cloak but I never thought —” Fjord sighed. “I’m just glad you’re with us.”

Caleb ducked his head. “Ja, I am glad I met you all too. I just— _scheisse_. I cannot stay.”

Fjord’s heart dropped. “What?” Fjord turned his whole body to face Caleb. “What do you mean?”

Caleb dragged his hands over his face. “They are looking for me, Fjord,” he said. “They haven’t found me yet but the more risks we take, like the one at the wizard’s tower or carrying around the Beacon, the more likely they’re going to find us, find _me_. I am putting all of you at risk just by being in your presence.”

A laugh slipped from Fjord’s lips against his will. Caleb whipped his head to glare at him, “Sorry,” Fjord said, shaking his head.

“This is not _funny_.” Caleb’s eyes had never been so cold.

Fjord shook his head harder. “No, no, you misunderstand. I just… The entire time we were on the sea, I was fucking terrified something would happen to one of you and it would be all _my_ fault because _I_ put you all at risk. For the second time.” He sighed. “Molly died because the four of you put yourselves on the line for us and I know you said it wasn’t our fault, wasn’t my fault, but I can’t seem to stop carrying around that guilt.” He paused, swallowing, his throat dry. “I think it’s time I returned the favour.”

To Fjord’s surprise, Caleb shook his head violently. “ _N_ _o_ , it’s not as simple as that, Fjord. It will not simply be  _dying_ if they find us. They will _torture_ you to torture me and call me selfish, but I cannot have that happen on _my_ account.” He met Fjord’s eyes. “I am doing this for me, much more than I am doing it for you.”

Fjord didn’t believe that for a second but Caleb wanted to believe that and, for now, Fjord would let him. “Oh, _Caleb_ …” he said. “We accept that risk because we care about you. We can take care of ourselves and we will _definitely_ take care of you.”

Caleb wrenched away from Fjord, standing abruptly. Fjord hadn’t even realized his hand was still on Caleb until he was gone. “You and Beau just don’t get it! I thought _you_ would but apparently not!” He began pacing back and forth, tugging at his hair. “I can’t risk it anymore! It is already torture for me to see all of you get so close to all of this—” he threw his hands in the air, gesturing wildly. “—and if I could, I would hide you all away, far from the Empire, far from anything that could hurt any of you.”

Fjord had never seen Caleb like this, his vulnerability and affection for the group laid out so plainly and painfully. “Caleb please,” Fjord pleaded, reaching out and grabbing his hand. Caleb jolted, his eyes staring at their hands. Then he clasped Fjord’s hand, squeezing tightly.

“I’m cashing in that favour, Fjord,” he said.

Fjord blinked. “What?”

“ _The_ favour, _this_ favour, Fjord,” Caleb said, squeezing Fjord’s hand again. _Oh_. The air rushed out of Fjord’s lungs as he realized what Caleb meant, their matching scars on their palms pressing into each other.

“Caleb…”

“I need you to let me go and I need you to take care of the group,” Caleb said, his voice steady and hard. “Make sure no harm comes to them and _make sure they don’t follow me_.”

He couldn’t take it anymore. Fjord stood up, towering over Caleb. “I can’t do that,” he said, gripping Caleb’s hand tighter. “I want you to stay with us. We all do.”

“ _Please_ ,” Caleb begged. “Promise me this. You love them as much as I do and I cannot have their blood on my hands.” Fjord stayed silent, staring at their joined hands, not meeting Caleb’s eyes. “Fjord…”

“You said we were going to make it work,” Fjord whispered. “We were going to make this work. The group. _Us_.” He was beyond caring how it sounded now, not when Caleb was slipping through his fingers.

Caleb’s face softened. “I know. And we have.” His thumb stroked over Fjord’s, steady and comforting. “I want the group to work but it can’t risk it anymore. If I don’t leave now, I will eventually. I will find a way to leave, you know I will.” He was right; even if Fjord managed to stop Caleb from leaving, even if the group kept an eye on him, Caleb could easily slip away. “Please, just… watch over them for me.”

Caleb stared up at Fjord with his unblinking, bright, blue eyes. Fjord shut his eyes and tilted his head back. “God _fucking_ dammit, Caleb,” he muttered and let go of Caleb’s hand. He met Caleb’s eyes. “Fuck you for doing this to me.”

Caleb sighed, his shoulders sagging. “Thank you,” he said, bringing up a hand to clutch Fjord’s arm, his hand warm through the cloth. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“They’re going to hate me,” Fjord said. “Nott especially. And Beau. You never even said good-bye to them.”

“Yasha will be on your side,” Caleb said, slowly dragging his hand to the crook of Fjord’s neck, his thumb rubbing soothing circles. “She knows. She understands, out of everyone.”

Fjord closed his eyes again, concentrating on the feel of Caleb’s hand, the heat of it against his bare skin. He had thought there would be time to figure things out with Caleb, time to sort through his own feelings, time to figure out whether Caleb might’ve felt something like how Fjord felt. “I wanted more time with you,” he said, his voice cracking.

“So did I.” Caleb’s voice wavered and his hand trembled as it moved up to cup Fjord’s face. Fjord’s breath hitched as Caleb swiped a thumb over the corner of Fjord’s mouth where his tusks were barely protruding. “I wanted to see them grow back in,” he said, softly. “You’re going to look _so_ good with them.”

Fjord’s eyes fluttered open and met Caleb’s wide, blue ones. It gave him the courage he needed. “Will you indulge me in something before you go?”

For the first time that night, perhaps in days, Caleb smiled a little, his hand sliding to the back of Fjord’s head. “Ja, anything,” he rasped and tugged Fjord forward to meet his lips.

Fjord had never dared to dream about what kissing Caleb might be like; Caleb had always been too distant, too closed off, too fragile. Sometimes it felt like one touch would break him,

But here, Caleb, warm and insistent, was pressing up against Fjord and he was so solid and so _real_. As Fjord drew him closer, he could feel the thrum of Caleb’s heart against his own, both of them threatening to break out of their ribcage. Caleb kissed like the fire that flew from his fingertips and Fjord never wanted him to stop.

It was unfair how little time they had, unfair that so much tragedy had happened to them, unfair that these feelings that were beginning to manifest would probably never grow into fruition. In another life or time, they would’ve had time to figure things out, to flirt, to kiss, to map out every single one of the scars on the other’s body and mind. But not this one. It was impossible to forget, even as Caleb’s lips slid against his and Fjord tangled his fingers in Caleb’s hair, that everything about this was never going to happen again.

Eventually, much too soon, Caleb pulled away, his hands lingering on Fjord. _Not yet_ , Fjord thought desperately. _Not yet_. “Caleb,” he whispered, his voice breaking as he smoothed Caleb’s hair back and tucked a stray piece behind his ear.

Caleb shook his head. “If I stay any longer, I don’t think I’ll be able to leave.”

“Then don’t.”

Caleb gave him the look that meant, ‘you-know-better-and-I’m-disappointed-in-you’. Fjord’s heart clenched when he realized he was starting to learn the minutiae of Caleb’s expressions. “Fjord,” Caleb said, dropping his hands and stepping back, out of Fjord’s reach. “Don’t let them follow me,” he said, taking another step back, his eyes looking over Fjord’s shoulder at the group. His hands curled into fists, as if to stop himself from reaching out and touching them.

“We love you.” _And I think I could love you in a different way_.

Caleb’s eyes softened. “Ja, I know,” he whispered, stepping back again. “ _Ich liebe euch._ ” A pause. “ _Ich liebe dich_.”

“I don’t speak Zemnian,” Fjord said, even though he thought he knew what Caleb meant. Another language made it easier for him to distance himself from the weight of the words.

“I know.” And with that, Caleb turned and walked away. Fjord watched him go, the sky brightening as the sun prepared to rise. Once Caleb disappeared, Fjord kept watching, hoping that maybe he would change his mind. When the sun began peeking over the horizon and Caleb was nowhere to be seen, Fjord turned around and headed back to the group. The Mighty Nein was officially, once again, down a member.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me @silkquake on twitter and listen to me yell about Critical Role, Widofjord and my thesis!


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